By Conor Durkin ’21

Well, folks, it is time. The first-ever alternate shot tournament between 12 Brother Rice seniors will tee off on Friday.

Initially, I didn’t plan to write about this whatsoever. However, the chatter made its way into the sixth-period journalism class, and Ms. P really wanted an excellent trash-talking story.

See, I rarely consider myself a chirper. Usually, I like my game to do the talking. I don’t really have a game when it comes to golf, so I will now resort to talking some smack. 

I would first like to inform you that the teams were selected by skill level. The best player was paired with the worst, second-best with second-worst and so on and so forth.

Let’s get to know these teams!

Our first team features the alleged scratch golfer in Quinn Clifford and the worst golfer in Grant Matern. There is some controversy in this team; however, many believe Grant is just sandbagging to play with Quinn. Did you know that Grant can hit his pitching wedge 180 yards? That’s great; his 9-iron is still his 160 club. It’s like the guy who boasts about his 220 yard 7-iron. Terrific, you hit your 7-iron as far as your 3-hybrid. Clifford is the best in the field by far, but if you give him an easy par three, he is bound to take a quad. I’m not too worried about this team.

The next team features the smooth swinging lefty in Thomas Hermanson and the 6’3 football player in Sean Mahanes. I personally believe that Mayo is the worst in the field. In the words of Pardon My Take, this team gets the “done chain.”

Next up, we have Brennan O’Malley and Thomas Skrypkun. Watch out for this team! This team features a solid player in O’Malley and a known stroke embellisher in Skryp. There may be some fishy pars and birdies on that scorecard. 

Our next pairing may just be the angriest group in the field. We have known yeller Will Stubitsch paired with notorious putter thrower Aidan O’Connor. We have the over/under of holes it takes until a broken or thrown club at four, and the over/under of holes it takes until one of them is walking at 5 holes. This team features two guys who are having an adamant time getting off the tee right now. Aidan is playing a power slice, and Stubbs is playing a power shank at the moment. No seriously, Aidan sets his feet at the other fairway, and he still lands in the right-side rough.

When asked about their chances, O’Connor said, “If we can get off the tee we’re going to be dangerous, if we can’t, it’s gonna be like every other day.”

The fifth pairing includes Daniel Wallace and Justin Hardiek. I hope you like pre-swing rituals because Wallace’s may put you to sleep. As far as Hardiek goes, just play from the reds. In all honesty, this team is the most dangerous. Compared with Hardiek’s 100-120 yard game, Wallace’s snap hook can lead to a deadly day for the opponents. However, the blame game will be played. Wallace loves pulling the old CTA and throwing his partner under the bus.

Finally, the group six pairing will feature the Italian and the Irishman. The two baseball players in Nick Cipriani and myself, Conor Durkin, will be trying to pull off the unthinkable. The men in the middle. I’m going to do my best to take care of the long game as “the guy” takes care of the short game. I am well known for screwing up big drives, so hopefully, my partner can help me out with that 70-yard shot. 

Tom Skilling is calling for some rain on Friday, and I love it. I can’t wait to hear these primadonnas complain about the conditions. Strap the rain glove on and buckle up for the biggest butt-kicking of 2020. Cipriani and Durkin will take home the tourney!

Editor’s Note: Although Durkin seems to believe the match is over before it even starts, people are quick to forget my last round at Meadows. On a warm, humid day in late July, I put up an 88, my best round to this date. I have yet to return to Meadows since the day, but the forgiving fairways and slow greens may prove to be beneficial for Stubitsch and I. 

Aidan O’Connor,  Editor-In-Chief “The Standard” and registered member of “Slicers Anonymous”